Peaceworks blog

Enterprise and Regulatory Reform Bill: Mediate or Conciliate?

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 10:26:00 -0500

The new Enterprise and Regulatory Reform bill had its second reading in parliament recently. Anyone who is thinking of launching an employment tribunal claim will have to go to ACAS before doing so, with a view to resolving the issue without recourse to proceedings.

Are they different?
On paper, this is an excellent idea, saving everyone a lot of time, stress and money in the process. But let's have a think for a minute about the difference between conciliation and mediation. One significant difference between conciliation and mediation lies in the fact that conciliators possess expert knowledge of the domain in which they conciliate. The conciliator can make suggestions for settlement terms and can give advice on the subject-matter. Conciliators may also use their role actively to encourage the parties to come to a resolution. In certain types of dispute the conciliator has a duty to provide legal information. This helps any agreement reached to comply with any relevant statutory framework pertaining to the dispute. Therefore conciliation may include an advisory aspect. Mediation works purely facilitatively: the practitioner has no advisory role. Instead, a mediator seeks to help parties to develop a shared understanding of the conflict and to work toward building a practical and lasting resolution.

For and against
So what are the pluses and minuses? Well, conciliation is very much what is says on the tin. It seeks to overcome animosity and appease; to try and regain a relationship, to reconcile or calm the waters. Also, conciliation has a legal aspect in that conciliators may be asked to provide legal information. Mediation, on the other hand, takes an active interest in enabling and facilitating an agreement between parties that can be sustained, by them, into the future. Mediation is about healing and finding a way forward. Mediation is about sustainability.

Sustainable solution
Both are well-established and well-regarded means of dispute resolution. However, if I were thinking about how best to ensure that the Enterprise and Regulatory Reform bill had real legs and could stand the test of time, I would go for something that had sustainability as part of it's "DNA".

Solutions that grow with the people
It's important to ensure that any serious attempt at reforming the way that we do things, especially when it relates to our adversarial judicial systems, has the prospect of longevity. Without this in-built survival mechanism, any attempt to bring about a lasting agreement that will - (95% of the time) - result in lasting change and resolution for people is doomed to failure. Why would anyone stick to something that they hadn't taken an active part in crafting that includes an agreement to take the relationship forward? I could conciliate the living daylights out of someone and then turn around and take legal proceedings forward if I decided to change my mind. Much better to embrace a system that takes sustainability seriously and builds it into the process.

The essence of "buy in"
It's well known that unless people "buy in" to an idea, a process, a change, it's less likely to succeed. All this means is that if you include people in crafting a response to something that's affected them, (whether that's an idea you've had, a process you need to go through or a change you want to bring about), it will have a much better chance of success. That's what mediation does. It's an enabler. Mediators are impartial facilitators, helping to bring people towards taking an active part in their own solutions. That's why the success rate is so high.

Oxymorons and Beecroft

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 13:28:00 -0500

The back of the class.

When I was a kid, we studied Oxymorons. I remember the jokes about the word, the bored and exasperated teacher, the boys at the back pushing eachother off their chairs.... and then I remembered the lesson. Oxymorons are figures of speech that combine contradictory terms.

No-fault dismissal

That's a figure of speech that seems a lot like an oxymoron to me. If there's no fault, then why the dismissal? Surely a no-fault dismissal would be something like an act of God causing the business to fail, in which case it's no one's fault. Or perhaps the failure of a business due to a three day week, such as happened in the 1970s. But if there's no fault in other circumstances, why would you seek to dismiss someone? It looks a lot like government gobbledegook to me, and the CIPD agree.

The evidence

Apparently, according to Mr Beecroft, the evidence suggests that if employers could hire and fire people at will (in a sort of quasi military "fire at will" fashion) it would assist the economic recovery. Even my little girl worked that one out to be claptrap. Fortunately the CIPD response refers to the "objectionable" proposals and states that no fault dismissal is an unnecessary measure, and that there is no evidence to support the claim that if employers could fire people more easily, it would boost the economy.

Mediation

The evidence that we have as mediators is that the workplace will be more efficient, demonstrate higher productivity and be more responsive if conflict is dealt with and relationships at work are more harmonious. Stephen M R Covey pointed out that soft skills yield hard-edged results in the workplace in his book, The Speed of Trust. It really can make business more profitable, and at Peaceworks, we can attest to that fact. People work better when they have good quality relationships. They produce more, they are more motivated and more committed to achieving the goals of the organisation.

Or maybe non-sequitur

That was part of the same lesson. Non-sequitur means "It does not necessarily follow". Perhaps no-fault dismissal is better described as a non-sequitur, for it doesn't necessarily follow that the economy will recover if more people get fired. Call me old fashioned, but I do like a nice bit of logic, and no fault dismissal leading the vanguard of economic recovery doesn't sound like logic to me. I'm sure Mr Spock would agree....

Trust in me....

Fri, 18 May 2012 13:14:00 -0500

Well, it's all going a bit pear-shaped, isn't it?

The Leveson Mess

We've witnessed over the last few weeks a massive concentration on the comings and goings of politicians (in name only) at the Leveson Enquiry, and the arrest and charging of Rebekah Brooks and her husband as central figures in the whole sordid business. It's all a horrible mess, and likely to get a whole lot messier for our politicians in the coming weeks and months.

The Meaning of Trust

Can't say I'm surprised, either. The legacy of so much departure from integrity and honesty is going to be the loss of trust in the people involved and the widespread condemnation of their actions having abused that trust. The defined meaning of trust, when it comes to business is "openness and honesty", "delivering on promises", "doing what you say you'll do". (Couchman, 2007). Neither Ms Brooks, nor Mr Cameron has embodied that definition.

Little Mr Milliband

It's hardly surprising, then, that the public couldn't be bothered to turn out to vote in any significant numbers in the latest local elections. Poor Mr Milliband had to claim victory through a miserable little percentage of the population voting Labour in desperation. Better the Devil you know.....

An ethical process

Mediation is a process designed to bring about a positive resolution to problems and difficulties. It's based on an open and honest exchange of views; willingness to resolve issues, transparency in dealing with others, impartiality and non-judgmental behaviour on the part of the mediator. It is a system based on a high ethical foundation, dependent on trust in the openness of the process, trust in the mediator and trust in the final commitment to resolve issues that cause problems. The very antithesis of the processes we see evolving in the political world at the moment.

A plea for honesty

Is it any wonder that we have seen a sudden rise in the number of calls to our office wanting to talk through issues with someone "who I can trust"? It was this turn of events that alerted me to concerns of people at the moment. People want honesty, openness, trustworthiness. How can that happen when we have a political arena filled with people who have lost the ability to do any of those things?

Trust in Me.....

The warning signs are there for all to see. Abuse trust, and you'll not stand much chance of ever getting it back. Only the humble, the honest and the open people among us stand any chance of fighting their way back from such a lost cause. (Couchman 2007). I'm reminded, when thinking of the Leveson enquiry of Kaa, the sly python in the Jungle Book with his hypnotic eyes as he sang "Trust in Me" to the unsuspecting Mowgli.....

Five a Day

Mon, 14 May 2012 15:44:00 -0500

Your Five a Day for a Healthy Working Environment!

We all have feelings and we all react - No Problem!

If we handle those reactions appropriately then we will secure a far more productive result when engaged in communication with others.

Here are five pitfalls to avoid for your healthy, daily conversation diet at work.

1. Tunnel Vision

Example: "I expect it'll be another future conversation"

This is all about being stuck in a mental groove. People who say this are looking for those things that confirm their fear or prejudice, remember it from the past and expect it in the future. They ignore other points of view or the possibility of alternative approaches or solutions.

2. Assumptions

Example: "Nothing can change the way I feel"

Making an assumption, presupposes knowledge that you don't have. Assumptions are often beliefs that have been adopted without looking at their basis in fact, such as "I'm over the hill now that I'm forty". Making decisions based on assumptions may lead to disaster, as when an executive assumes that a staff member won't improve their performance. Often, taking things for granted causes people to be blind to possible solutions. Build up some objective data through the use of Open Questioning. Ask yourself; What leads you to believe this? Why do you do it this way? Who says? What alternatives are there? What would happen if you did? What would happen if you didn't?

3. Blame (yourself and others)

Example: "It's your fault that we are under investigation"

If you see yourself as externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate or "the System". You don't believe you can really affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world, so you try and manipulate others to take care of your interests. Someone else is to blame and is responsible for your pain, your loss, your failure.

The truth is, we are constantly making decisions and every decision affects and steers our lives. It is your responsibility to assert your needs, to say no or go elsewhere for what you want. In some way, we are responsible for nearly everything that happens to us, including our distress and unhappiness. Taking responsibility means accepting the consequences of your own choices. Ask yourself: what choices have I made that resulted in this situation? What decisions can I now make to change it?

The opposite distortion is also very common - the fallacy that makes you responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you. You carry the world on your shoulders. You have to right all wrongs, fill every need and balm each hurt; if you don't you feel guilty and turn the blame on yourself. Blaming yourself means labelling yourself inadequate if things go wrong. With this view point you are very easily manipulated. The key to overcoming this doesn't imply that you are also responsible for what happens to others. Remember, part of respecting others includes respecting their ability to overcome or accept their own pains, make their own decisions and be in ccontrol of their own lives.

4. Generalisation

Example: "I'll never be any good at people management" after just one bad experience!

In this distortion you make a broad, generalised conclusion, often couched in the form of absolute statements, based on one piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. If someone shows evidence of a negative trait, this is picked up on and exaggerated into a global judgment. This inevitably leads to more and more restrictions in life and your view of the world becomes stereotyped. Cue words that indicate you may be over-generalising are; all, every, none, never, always, everybody and nobody. To become more flexible use words such as; may, sometimes, and often. Be particularly sensitive to absolute statements about the future such as "No one will ever listen to me" because they may become self-fulfilling prophecies.

5. World View

Example: "this always happens to me"

As a practical matter, we must all proceed with the business of living by relying on "maps" of the world that we have taken on trust and that we have not tested and often cannot test. To make sense of personal experience, we all absorb a constant stream of reports, descriptions, judgments, inferences and assumptions coming from a multitude of sources. From this abundance of stored information, you piece together a mental "model" of the world and its workings that literally becomes your world view. however, people do vary considerably in their misinformation - or the accuracy of their map. people also vary in the degree to which they actively seek out new information, take opportunities to correct or update their mental models, and expose themselves to new experiences. be more active in the way that you test your view of the world and a good way to do this might be to ask yourself " how would I advise my best friend in this situation?" If you would advise them to test their views, what's to stop you testing yours? .......

Peaceworks run courses in lots of subjects to help you stay healthy in your relationships at work.

1. Conflict management and mediation skills
2. Communication
3. Assertiveness
4. Anger management
5. Leadership and Management
6. Personal and executive coaching

Book here!

Necessity and the Mother of Invention

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 11:48:00 -0500

When times get tough, and when they don't.

I wonder why we always get thrown back on our creative talents when times get tough? How many times have we re-hashed that old chestnut "Necessity is the mother of Invention"? Too much, I think.

Why leave it?

Waiting until times get tough could be a mistake when it comes to creativity, and yet there's never been a worse time for the more creative among us. Creative thinking is our first refuge when the tried and tested paths have been trodden to death and the way we do things isn't working any more. We are asked to come up with new ideas, new products, new marketing strategies, and yet we value our creative people less and less as time goes on.

Inexorable measurement

Since this Government took office, the sciences have ridden roughshod over the arts in education as never before. Creative subjects have been vilified in the national curriculum and vocational courses rubbished as a waste of time. It doesn't pay to be creative in this brave new world of the measured being the kitemark for value. What ever can be proved, measured and evidenced has supremacy, and Charles Handy had much to say on the matter in The Empty Raincoat when he quotes the MacNamara Fallacy. Yet the whine goes up at every challenging outcome in a sinking economy, "Necessity is the mother of invention" - except when you've told all the inventors, arts graudates and creative thinkers they would be better off flipping burgers for a living.

Tanker Drivers Dispute

Our last blog on the Tanker Drivers dispute looked at the "mediating" that is supposed to have taken place through ACAS. When the Government fails to understand the difference between mediation and conciliation, whilst touting the benefits of mediation, we really don't stand much of a chance. And yet it's those "soft" skills, the ones that require creative thought and input from a skilled mediator, that are required when necessity has demanded that an inventive soul turns up at the negotiating table; one who is able to respond flexibly to a changing situation and doesn't wait for the appropriate figures and spreadsheets to arrive; someone who can adapt to a situation and respond creatively to the emotions of those who are gathered around the negotiating table.

The mother of all invention

Getting creative with our businesses, especially in mediation, is going to require a basic shift in understanding. Our "posh boy" government needs to understand that conciliation doesn't mean mediation. Conciliation tries to calm tempers and follow processes. Mediation gets people to a mutually beneficial trade-off where each person gets something of what they want. Basic game theory - and if Mr Cameron has ever rented a DVD, (which I doubt) I'd recommend he watches "a Beautiful Mind" (John Forbes Nash is played by Russell Crowe) to find out a bit about games theory , Equlibrium and how negotiation, and it's close cousin mediation, can work for the benefit of all....

Tanker Drivers Dispute

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:14:00 -0500

D-DAY

The thought of the panic buying of petrol returning to UK forecourts is not a pleasant prospect. Today will determine if the Tanker Drivers are prepared to accept the proposals drawn up between the Fuel Distributors and UNITE, courtsey of the shuffling, shuttle diplomacy of ACAS, our national Conciliation service.

DISPUTE

Erroneously described within the press as mediation, this process really presents an authentic mediation process badly. Those of us offering mediation as the best way constructively and creatively to address serious disagreements between parties, despair of the image of two groups unable to sit together in the same room negotiating through a shuttling third party. Frankly is is the very worst model of mediation there can be.

MEDIATION

The real magic of mediation is that parties who do not believe they can reach agreement through normal negotiation, agree to sit together facilitated by a skilled, trained and experienced mediator. It is important in any dispute that each party gets to say their piece. We all need to be heard! The speaking may carry intensity, yet this is no bad thing. It clears some of the negative energy that acts as a barrier to resolution to dissipate. Our commitment to political correctness may have serioulsy disadvantaged our appreciation of the need to vent. This is as natural to the human condition as is the body's need to pass waste product to retain health!

Venting is described by the Urban Dictionary as allowing, '...a person to rationalize and validate their own fears, concerns ,worries, dreams and hopes. If we are not allowed to vent , we end up bottling up our emotions which is detrimental to the human psyche.' Now that doesn't sound anything but healthy. Perhaps venting is one of our psychological "5-a-day"!

NANNY STATE

The ongoing refusal to encourage people in dispute - relationally, commercially, at work - simply to sit down and talk face to face in the presence of a skilled third party is simply a nonsense. Always some group of expensive professionals insisit they know the answer; a 'mother knows best' approach that is as patronising as it is irritating. Come on Cameron! If you and the coalition government are as hot on mediation as you claim then lets ensure the large numbers of skilled mediators who have been trained by CEDR (Centre for Effective Dispute Resolution) and others at great expense are accessed to the market.

MONOPOLY

Mediation offers simple transferable skills. Many great lawyers make bad mediators. Large numbers of mediators have no interest in becoming lawyers - that is because they are mediators! Whilst the misconception remains largely unchallenged that good mediation requires some form of legal background, the benefits mediation offers will only be available to those with deep enough pockets to pay the lawyers' ritzy rates.

However, there are innumerable good quality mediators who have the skills and the experience, who work exclusively on mediation because that is what they want to do professionally and who charge rates that ensure mediation is available to all.

There appears at times as if a cosy monopoly exists whenever it comes to accessing the mediation market. I have lost count of the number of CEDR trained mediators who are resentful that having paid large training fees they enjoy no prosepect of securing mediation work.

PEACEWORKS

And we are one of those agencies that for over thirteen years has offered an excellent, professional service yet we feel discouraged at the time it is taking to fracture this marketplace monopoly and the extent therefore to which so many women and men in dispute are left with an unresolved situation because they lack the funds to pay for a lawyer.

I trust the Tanker Drivers sort things out today. I also hope in future real mediation can be offered at a far earlier stage and save us all a lot of anxiety and also the taxpayer a huge sum of money!

Horses for courses

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:04:00 -0500

Horses for courses......

In recent weeks, we've noticed more interest in our Communications training and pages on our website about communicating at work, understanding body language and listening skills. Curious that enquirers are now looking at these elements alongside our mediation offer. Or is it? In our bid to make ourselves understood better, we're operating in a world that's becoming more and more complex with regard to communication.

Our new courses in Anger Management and Assertiveness are part of an increasing offer from Peaceworks designed to look at the way we communicate with each other. And it's not confined to the world of mediation and the folk at Peaceworks.

One of the most prominent features of the current economic and political climate is the emphasis on the way things are said, how much we trust what's being said, and how people can get past the flim-flam of spin to the real issues. This is especially true with the recent stepping down of James Murdoch from the board of B Sky B. It's a sad indictment of our current climate of distrust (not unfounded) that yet more enquiries are being made into the appalling conduct of those at News International who indulged in phone hacking and pursing people beyond the bounds of safety and decency.

The real issue here is about trust and integrity. Perhaps there is more to the upsurge of interest in communication skills than idle curiosity. It really can be a serious problem in business: not getting the communication right. Not just in business too. But for the time being let's stay with the business model. Here at Peaceworks, we deal with the fallout from communication disasters all the time, from family squabbles to the devastation of divorce, from mis-communication at work to full scale Employment Tribunal cases, from neighbour complaints to court-cases. The social cost of bad communication is immense.

One thing that this Government must be commended for is the signing of the Dispute Resolution Commitment last year. It drew attention to the massive cost of communication breakdown in British industry and the terrible loss of productivity attendant on it. There's some hope for setting things right with the support from the top being made public in this way.

But that's not the end of the battle. We need to keep on finding out more about the way we say things, how they're received, the way we listen, the way we interpret information. All complex and convoluted in an age where information is key. Really, it's hardly surprising we get it wrong so often with the emphasis now on e-communication rather than good old plain talking to each other. And then, of course it's a question of body language and reading the signs. There's a whole new world of un-said clues in the human face and we would do well to try and understand them more.....

Spring and all things new

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:54:00 -0600

Coming into flower.....

So many new opportunities for Peaceworks! As we go into spring, we are pleased to announce that we have been successful in achieving the West Sussex Social Enterprise Network award. This Grant has been awarded to Social Enterprises in the county seeking to expand their work, and Peaceworks have won the award with their bid to expand their highly successful Peer Mediation in Schools Programme (PPMSP). We were part of a cohort of ten award-winners who bid for funds from WSSEN.

Director of Peaceworks, Chris Seaton, said "This is a fantastic award for us. It means we have a real chance to achieve our aim in getting the PPMSP into even more schools across the country, contributing to our long term goal of helping to make society a more peaceful place through its' youngest and most enthusiastic members". We are very excited about the work and will let you know more as the project moves on.

We are also appearing at the Eastleigh Business Conference at the end of the month, which is being hosted at the Rosebowl, Southampton. Peaceworks will be leading one of the workshops and helping to raise awareness of the benefits of mediation in the workplace.

Our new venture into the world of tendering for contracts has begun well and we continue to compete nationally. Peaceworks has an eye to the future: one in which we are working to promote mediation across the UK. With many new initiatives coming from the Coalition Government to make mediation a commonly-used tool for tackling workplace conflict, we intend to be part of the transformation towards mediated workplace conflict in public, private and third sector organisations.

We are looking forward to new partnerships and joint ventures, new training courses in a variety of management themes from Communications skills to Coaching and now that our accrediting body, the National Open College Network has gone global, the world's our oyster!

Things are definitely changing for the better at Peaceworks

Valentine's Day Heartthrob blog

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:30:00 -0600

Hearthrob - the case for mediation on Valentine's Day

Here we are with another Valentine's Day.... and how it warms the heart to see the young get all worked up about it, buying each other cards and blowing up balloons for the party.... Aah..... It's been a long time since it registered on the Richter scale for me and probably for many others of my age. But the truth is that as the years go by, relationships change, and for some, they deteriorate.

Here to help.

This is where mediation could make such a difference, and I'm glad to see the Government making sure that mediation is higher on the agenda than it has been for some years. I wonder how much of the conflict we experience in long term relationships could be averted if not completely, then at least in part, if mediation were used more often?

It's certainly the case that organisations like "Relate" and the concept of counselling have become more popular in latter years, but it could make all the difference to have more of a natural recourse to mediation when things take a turn for the worse, or better still, before they take any turn at all.

Don't tell the Bride

You may be familiar with a TV programme "Don't tell the Bride". This charts the progress of the poor groom organising his own wedding without the involvement of his loved one. On many occasions, - not all but many - we witness the shrill exclamations of a disappointed Diva-bride levelling all kinds of insults and deprecations in the direction of their lovelorn sweethearts if they dare to get the dress, the shoes, the table decorations, the flowers, the rings, the bridesmaids dresses or the venue wrong. Terrifying.

What seems sadly obvious to me, and perhaps to you too, is that relationships have nothing to do with the dress, the shoes, the table decorations, the colour scheme, the venue or any-thing else. Whether or not the relationship survives, depends on tolerance, understanding, compassion, empathy and last of all but by no means least, kindness. Without these key things, (you know, the ones you can't buy in the shops), no relationship can stand the test of time without major fault-lines showing up as soon as the slightest tremor occurs in the inevitable clash of personalities.

Mediation: a new beginning

Mediation shouldn't be something that couples are referred to when things go pear-shaped after the wedding, but could be routinely sought before the big day. When things go wrong in our day to day life, we often fall back on people with listening skills - a role that would once have been fulfilled by the local priest, or just close members of the family that used to live in close proximity. Now our families are often far-flung and our societies are based on a much-reduced idea of community.

But mediation is something we can all have recourse to and it really helps to have someone just listen. This appears to be the key thing for couples and for individuals struggling to cope with the complexity of modern life and the relationships that go with it. I guess the message I would want to put out there for Valentine's day is that there's a way through all the complexity of relationships - if we have the courage to ask for help to get through it. After all, wouldn't it be nice.....

It's the little things...

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:52:00 -0600

If I'm not careful, I'll start going down the same route as the BBC newspage and talk to you about all the gloomy stuff that's going on at the moment. January is always a harsh month, with five weeks 'til payday and some fairly greyish weather, so adding to gloom is never a good plan. But today's sunshine did much to change the way I, and (I very much hope), the way you feel about things right now. Curious how the light can make us change perspective: a bit like standing up when taking a phone call, suddenly things seem different. And it's a good way to stave off the downward January spiral into gloom and despondency. After all it's the little things in life that make the biggest difference, like the sun shining for you on the way to work....

Some years ago, I taught a training course in Romania, and had to use an interpreter. It was fantastic to watch all the heads flicking from me to the interpreter and back again - like one of those televised tennis matches when you can see all the heads move to follow the ball. But what struck me most was when I said "It's always the little things that affect a partnership", and the heads all nodded furiously when the interpreter had delivered the line. It doesn't matter where you are, it's the little things that make the difference, like sunshine after four weeks of grey skies, like an unexpected show of chivalry or good manners, like something going right for a change! Funny how the little things stay with you at the expense of the big stuff.

This is so often the story that we find in mediation. It's the little things that make a big difference in relationships. Yes, the little bad things as well as the little good things. When relationships deteriorate and become unmanageable for the people involved, mediation can be seen as a big thing and for many, that's what it represents. But curiously, it's the little things that we focus on; little comments that have hurt and hindered, little acts that have been inexplicable and suddenly it's all become a huge pile of little things. Mediation works through disentangling the little things and carefully sorting through the positives so that they can be re-discovered - a bit like a sunny day in winter. It's so often the case that people really want to have a good relationship, but the accumulated issues have obscured that. Mediation can help make the positives clear again.

So as January draws to it's close, it might be good to look at some of your less obvious achievements - there could be some real treasure there, such as taking the time to say hi to your colleagues and friends! Time to store up some nuggets for your store of positives. It's often the way you do things.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHstlUiEaos

Relationships and the Christmas fall-out

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 12:39:00 -0600

Clean Slates and relationships

Always a sticky time of year, Christmas, especially for relationships. I had a conversation with an estate agent, recently. He commented that he expected to sell more houses after the festive season because most people break up over Christmas and look for flats or rooms so they can get out of a bad relationship. I tried to find some corroborative evidence for his assertion, and came up with Mr Djangoly's pronouncement on the 6th January and this:

That's a bit of an indictment really, isn't it. The season of peace and goodwill to all doesn't seem to extend to the home with those unfortunate enough to be in difficult personal circumstances. That's where mediation could help.

I wonder if it's something to do with the British "don't make a fuss" syndrome, that we tend to wait until things have become intolerable before we do anything. There's something very stoic about us in the UK. But perhaps it's not just a cultural thing. Perhaps there's something in all of us that would rather not admit "failure" before we absolutely have to. The curious thing is, why do we think that asking for a bit of a steer before things get really bad is an admission of failure? After all, when we break a leg, we go to hospital to get a plaster cast and a stick to help us walk, why wouldn't we do the same for a relationship?

There's just so much at stake, isn't there. Personal pride; the fear that it might be worse than it actually seems; the overt judgement about someone else; the comments of family and friends, and worst of all, the effect on the children if they think something is really wrong.

A more humane approach could be to look upon mediation as means of coaching, just as you would a sports team, or a professional or management issue. Things need to be addressed, and mediation can help with that. You don't even have to go through a formal mediation process, Peaceworks often help facilitate "difficult conversations". Tackling relationship issues doesn't have to be a full-blown blue-light incident. You might just need a hand to "hear" each other. Either way, start 2012 with as much of a clean sheet as you possibly can and give yourself and your significant other the chance to work things out before the year gets much older. I wonder if the Beatles were right......? You can work it out

A time to ponder

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:47:00 -0600

Well Christmas fast fades and the New Year looms. A time to take a moment to think things through. For many the luxury of a few days out of the office and space alone. Using moments like this for some creative reflection is always valuable.

I make it a habit to seek out some silence for personal reflection. With journal in hand to capture anything that comes to mind that I perceive of value, I choose to walk along the Portsmouth shore line and feel the elements - the wind, the salt spray, the weakened warmth of the winter sunshine - as they impact my physical being.

This year my mind reflects upon my family relationships. As for so many, Christmas presents opportunities to take stock. Once again my 86 year old mum joined us, whilst my siblings Christmased in their own homes. This is the repeated pattern of our family Christmases, and Christmas seems to generate what might be termed traditions for families. I wonder in what ways conversations might be generated to explore alternative ways for managing Christmas. A dialogue that might give opportunity for each of us to express what our preference might be were we to pitch for the ideal we would value. In hearing each other's ideal we might find common ground that enriches each one of us.

Such conversations would bing real cheer and hope to many a family. Christmas experienced as separation or abandonment. Time hanging heavy through the the season turning merriment to sadness. And in the sadness images of the real nature of those family relationships haunt the mind and injure the heart.

So as I progress my contemplative walk I am reminded once again of the power constructive conversation provides in expressing heartfelt feelings, hurtful thoughts and the opportunity for unlocking dysfunctional relationships.

I return home pleased of the role mediation plays in bringing people together, many who had assumed that there was no way back. Mediation - creative conversations that carry the true spirit of Christmas throughout the year. Seasons Greetings to you; take a moment for constructive reflection on the eve of a new year.

So long, Frank Lloyd Wright

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:14:00 -0600

Watching Alan Yentob programmes on the BBC is the televisual equivalent to Jeeves retiring early with an improving book and a milky drink. I've enjoyed his revealing Leonardo series and some of his pieces on Imagine have been excellent. The episode in that series that struck me most was an excellent documentary on the making of Simon & Garfunkel's last and greatest album, Bridge over Troubled Water.

Yesterday, I went to Spotify to find some of my favourite tracks from the album and gave a 'spin' as it were to the final track on side 1 of the 'LP' as I remember it, So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright. There followed an experience that caught me by surprise. Within seconds of the first guitar chords being plucked and Artie's first line being uttered I was straight back to 1973 in our semi-d in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex. More amazing still, I could smell Airfix glue as in my mind I was again fumbling to put together a Mark II Hurricane or some such. How does that work? The memory, and how sounds, smells and sights can resonate with emotions, is a truly wondrous part of how we are made.

Unbeknown to me (and apparently to Artie at the time he recorded it), Paul Simon had written this song about the imminent breakup of the duo, hence the feeling of lament throughout. Which is a neat link to a conversation I was having with a client (whom we shall call Jane) last week. She felt desperate after a 3 year conflict with a colleague at work. Her boss had agreed to them both having mediation, but Jane was not sure she wanted to go through a process with a person she neither liked nor trusted. My method in these situations is simply to ask clients to explain how they see their choices at the moment and how they feel about each option. For Jane, it was i) keep my head down, take notes and hope I can 'get' my colleague on capability proceedings (but she didn't want to live like that), ii) go for mediation (she was not sure she could cope with sitting in a room with her colleague for 2 hours), iii) wait and see if my colleague files another grievance in which case I'll take 6 months off sick (she'd feel really guilty about the cost of this) iii) leave her job (but she knew that would mean taking resentment with her and she might not get a job as good as she has). Jane is still weighing up her options.

I have reflected on option iv) in particular. Wouldn't it be sad if Jane had the 'Airfix glue' type memories but in a much less pleasant way, whenever she remembered her old place of work? Wouldn't it be worth a one-shot attempt to repair the situation before doing something more drastic? The cost of conflict in the workplace is not just in the stress and anxiety of grievance procedures. ACAS tells us that the average cost to an organisation of a dispute is 9 days of staff and management time for every individual involved in the conflict. And that's if it's straightforward.

Christmas can be tough on any relationship. But let me encourage you to be open about difficulties and face them. Don't be like Paul Simon and code your 'goodbye'. After all, Artie Garfunkel didn't appreciate it. According to Tom Adair in his 2000 article in The Scotsman, 'A Bridge too far', he commented, "I find that a secretive and unpleasant thing to have done to you."

Have a good Christmas everyone and do contact us if you want to chat about sorting out a conflict you are in or aware of. Our offices closed from 24th December to 2nd January.

How not to comment

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:55:00 -0600

How not to comment - and save the fallout

There comes a time, it seems, in the life of a public figure, when it seems as though they take a view of themselves as having more clout and importance than they actually have. The way that we treat our celebrities and public figures in the UK is unusual, and their subsequent treatment by the national media is presently the subject of the Leveson enquiry into the culture, practice and ethics of the press. None of this, however, excuses the extraordinarily incendiary comments made by Jeremy Clarkson, who does have the ear of many in the UK for his career in driving. Not much of a qualification for comment and edicts about public execution, but that didn't stop him. So how can we apply a stop-button to such awful comments?

As mediators, Peaceworks often witness the most extreme side of relationship breakdown and the hurtful, and sometimes unforgiving communications that people exchange when they are in dispute. How much more effective it would be if we all had some idea about how to stop ourselves making remarks or comments that hurt and damage others. There are many suggestions on the internet for stopping yourself from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, so you're not alone if you find that you're making some awful faux pas. Here are some suggestions about how to forestall those comments and stop ourselves from saying those "point of no return" things:

1. It can help to visualise your audience, if they're not immediately in front of you. When writing, blogging, texting etc, visualise someone who you most value as a person reading what you are about to write.

2. If you're talking to a group, visualise a valued member of your family in the audience who would be adversely affected by anything negative you might say or who might take a joke the wrong way

3. Remember that there are many people with equally strong (or not) opinions as you. They have the right to hold them, just as you do.

4. Articulating opinion does not necessarily make it right. There are many sides to a story and yours may not be the right one.

5. It's a good rule of thumb to make sure that you've got your facts right. Before you express an opinion, make absolutely sure you've checked your sources and know how to answer anyone who might question what you're saying.

6. If you are in any doubt about the validity of your opinion, don't express it.

7. Keep in mind that your sense of humour may not match with someone elses. It can be the case that the things you find funny could be offensive to another person. Humour is a fine line, so when speaking in public or writing anything for public consumption, keep the humour non-specific in terms of race, gender, faith, disability and culture.

8. Others also have the right to disagree with you. It doesn't make them wrong or you right. It is the nature of free speech. The watchword is tolerance.

9. Legally, race and hate crimes are punishable. Be very careful about expressing opinions that could be interpreted as inciting hatred of any kind, or racial prejudice.

10. A false sense of safety is your enemy. It's a mistake to imagine that confiding strong opinions to others is fine because you're safe. The chances are, you aren't. This quote from Examiner.com sums up a good approach. "Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we feel falsely "safe" and think it's ok to give honest feedback. Do yourself a favour and know your audience. If it's your boss or an executive, can they take criticism well? Will your comment further the conversation? If not, keep your comment to yourself".

Special Educational Needs and the Green Paper

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:40:00 -0600

Special Educational Needs (SEN) is undergoing an overhaul designed to reform and refine the system with ideas set out in the Green Paper.

This short summary gives an idea of what’s in store, but it’s clear that Mediation is to play a key role in SEN in the new world. This move is in line with others taken by the Coalition in promoting mediation and it's use in the public sector but with the proposed revisions to Special Educational Needs, mediation will be a requirement between parents and providers in the event of difficulties. Page 8 of the Executive Summary in the Green Paper puts mediation directly into the frame to assist in cases where parents and the local authority disagree on the best options for the child. Mediation gives both parties the opportunity to reach an agreement without the anxiety and stress of a complaints process. This is not just a money-saving exercise: this is about giving people the autonomy to find their own way of determining the best outcomes for a child with Special Educational Needs. Anything that simplifies and de-stresses the complexities of finding the best solutions has to be positive.

Mencap's chief executive, Mark Goldring, welcomed the single assessment and plan, but warned "The real test will be how successfully different agencies will be able to work in partnership to deliver services. The system will also need to have appropriate checks and balances in place to ensure that all of a child's needs are properly met and addressed".

In line with the government's localism agenda, the green paper also plans to transfer power to front line professionals and local communities. Mark Goldring, however, said that localism "may make education for children with a learning disability even more of a postcode lottery unless there is national co-ordination and leadership"

Other plans in the green paper include:

1. Introducing greater independence to assessments, perhpas by involving the voluntary sector

2. Giving parents a legal right to control funding for their child's support (through a personal budget) by 2014

3. Making easy-to-understand information about all services available from local authorities

4. Overhauling teach training and professional development

5. Making improvements to the range and diversity of schools available for parents to choose from

Mediation continues to move up the agenda, not just for children with SEN, but in all walks of life. It’s a key requirement for the public sector, a must for those undergoing family problems such as divorce or separation, and is a major factor in defusing workplace conflict. Contact Peaceworks and find out how mediation can save you the time and stress involved in disagreements, conflict, grievance and dispute.

Keeping your end up - the secret of staying positive

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 00:00:00 -0600

Keeping your end up - the secret of staying positive

Did you know that the origin of the old saying "keep your end up" means to hold your end of a heavy load whilst someone else holds the other?

What a great image of partnership! I always thought that "keeping your end up" meant something like that well-worn old saying "keep your chin up" but that always seemed a little provocative. After all, you wouldn't stick your chin in the air in the boxing ring would you? No, keeping your end up is all about partnership: working with someone else to make it easier.

So, rather than walking around with a manufactured smile on your face pretending that the load you're carrying is really alright and that no, you don't need any help, is not what it's all about. In these trying times of economic difficulty when sometimes it's hard to imagine what it was like not to be worried about being made redundant every time you go to work, or to be afraid that you won't be able to make the mortgage payment this month, it's easy to kid yourself that you're coping fine alone rather than let anyone know how worried you really are. Whilst we're on the subject of homilies, a burden shared may not actually be a burden halved, but it really does help to have someone else to carry some of it. And that's the secret: don't try and shoulder it all alone.

The stress of our working lives at the moment may be a hard one to deal with, but there are those who are waking up to the fact that organisations and their successes are dependent on the people who work in them. It's important to share the burden before it becomes stressful, and therefore a problem to you and the organisation you work with.

I'm convinced that's why mediation is so successful. When people are struggling to get through the maze of interpersonal relationships both at home and at work, just having someone to talk to about it and who wants to help, really makes a difference to the way that burden is carried. In over 90% of cases, mediation is successful, so why would you want to carry around the burden of a conflict, a grievance or even litigation when there is someone who can help you keep your end up? Times may be hard, but that doesn't mean you have to cope alone. If there's something you can do for yourself to make it easier, do it and go forward into 2012 without carrying the whole she-bang yourself.

Life in the Mosh Pit

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 -0500

Spats, squabbles and the workplace Mosh Pit

I kid you not, the Mosh Pit of the workplace can result in death. The Samaritans did a survey about the hazards of the workplace as it becomes more and more stressful. and the link between a stressful job and suicide is well documented. I’m not talking about some 19^th Century mill where people are dying in their thousands through poor conditions. No, this is a present-day phenomenon in our own modern workplaces. Bullying managers, long working hours, a culture of presenteeism (attending work even though sick) is how we cope with life at work. A problem made all the worse as management increasingly require ‘absences’ to be catalogued and reported upon as part of their staff performance reviews. A series of sick days can itself lead to an uncomfortable conversation if not a disciplinary. Is it any wonder that work station is the new stress zone!

What an indictment! Conflict at work is a massive problem, and the Coalition is trying to promote mediation by signing theDispute Resolution Commitment with the Ministry of Justice and the Attorney General’s office in May 2011. Reforming our workplace culture from one of stress, conflict and dispute is a priority for us if we are to reduce the absence of colleagues and team members through stress and relationship issues with others. Some simple training around maintaining a Non-Anxious Presence or handling difficult conversations productively can change both working culture and workers’ experience.

Only last week I read in an article published in the online journal People Management about the relationship of stress and long term absence. More worrying still was the comment from a person at the end of the article about using the absence of a colleague through stress to demonstrate how hard managers were pushing their staff and that it was a “badge of honour" to have someone on long term sickness leave. Are we looking at being policed into going to work through fear of being tagged an absentee through stress? If so, look forward to more sickness absence and a less committed workforce.

Ten Top Mediation Tips

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:03:00 -0500

Peaceworks' Ten Top Mediation Tips

1. Always plan to have difficult conversations. Mediation provides a safe, confidential environment with adequate refreshments, to help everyone achieve their best.

2. Take time ahead of the mediation to find the words to describe what you feel, why you feel the way you do and what you would like as an outcome. Your feelings and preferences are important and everyone wants to listen and discover what they are. You might feel upset, angry, disappointed, confused - mediation offers you the chance to say that, and to state what you want.

3. Picture your future. How you would like things to be in 6 months time. This helps to see that there is a future beyond the mediation. The pain does not need to last forever. What will the next six months be like if there is no change? This mediation is important!

4. As you consider what you want and what the future might look like, remember to be realistic. Mediations work best when everyone agrees a realistic, achievable and measurable agreement. Things will certainly feel and look a lot different if a clear agreement is achieved. So take time to build that agreement in the mediation. Do not rush.

5. As far as you can, be very specific about issues and deal with each of them in turn. Once issues are clearly identified, there is a means for effectively and creatively dealing with the conflict.

6. Work with the mediator to create a climate in which matters can be agreed and deals can be done; this may involve 'turning the other cheek' and 'biting your lip'. Later, you will be glad you did.

7. If there are difficulties be honest about them. There is ample opportunity to have a private meeting with the mediator and talk through your anxieties freely and confidentially. The mediator is there to support you throughout do your best.

8. If you need to resolve financial issues, be sure you have details of the numbers involved and any paperwork that support your verbal claims. Confusion over data will always produce confusion within the process. If numbers intimidate you, request some help ahead of the mediation.

9. Do not rely on 'bar room' advice as to what you 'should' walk away with! However well meant, it is likely to be unhelpful, and does not enjoy the benefit of the other party's feelings and requests. What they say may have a positive impact on you. Remember, this is your dispute and you have the power to resolve it.

10. Respect and be kind to yourself throughout. This is a mature and creative way to deal with conflict, and one that is increasingly promoted by the legal profession, HR departments, commercial companies etc. worldwide. You are at the cutting edge of the new way to deal with conflict effectively. How smart is that?

The Magic of Mediation

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 14:41:00 -0500

The Magic of Mediation

This week, we have a 'sort of guest' blogger. Mary Davies is long-standing member of Peaceworks Education Team and has mediated for us as well. She moonlights though under the grand title of 'Coastal Group Co-ordinator for West Sussex Mediation Service' and originally penned these thoughts for their newsletter.

I have often been asked why I work as a Mediator. It isn't the money. It isn't the kudos; many don't seem to know what it is. I can only say it is the magic, that moment which I and fellow mediators have often seen, when people in conflict have a change of heart. All the vitriol, upset, anger and misery is gone and they begin to rebuild a new relationship.

When we first visit each party it is often hard to reconcile the first story of the other party's behaviour to the person you later meet. When I began working as a mediator I was often quite worried about meeting the second party after the first accounts were given. Most cases boil down to one common factor. In this age of twitter, email, Face Book and mobile phones people have forgotten how to communicate.

Mediators spend a lot of time learning how not to suggest solutions whilst encouraging our clients to state the facts as they see them, how the others' actions have made them feel and to think of their own ideas about how to improve their lot

The accounts of the situation given by each party are often very different. Face to face with their neighbour, employer, or other family member the stories will be very different from those originally given. They are often much milder, but as we try to address each issue ie noise, boundaries, parking, etc tempers can get frayed and it is our job to calm the participants, even call a break but above all to keep them communicating. No-one communicates well whilst angry, afraid or upset.

If everything goes to plan each issue identified by the mediators is thrashed out in a managed discussion and an agreement is reached. If there are any actions to be undertaken by either party a time limitation is also agreed to give everyone clear boundaries and expectations. Sometimes we feel a rather unsatisfactory agreement is made but usually most leave a joint mediation having achieved some if not all they had hoped for. Neither party feels like a loser and both at least a bit happier. We usually include the issue of future communication in the agreements we write.

The magic moment is so hard to catch it can begin with a change in tone of voice, a weak joke , an admitted misunderstanding or just an agreement that it's all gone too far and they want to change, but when it happens it makes all the mediators efforts worthwhile.

Everyone in WSM plays their part in achieving these magic moments,- the Trustees raising funds and the service profile, Nick managing a very large team and sorting all the problems we can't, the office by doing all the calls and recording required to arrange visits and checking that the agreements are working, the group meetings where we discuss cases and get new ideas or advice from each other and the role play and the training which is the key to a good service.

I was always told 'Stick to the process and eventually it should work' and it does!

How I don't know - it's magic!

Mary Davies F.C.M.

Autumn and the Conservative Party Conference

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:54:00 -0500

As the many-coloured leaves flutter down from the trees, you will have noticed some many-coloured and thoroughly mixed messages from the Conservative Party conference on youngsters and their involvement in “anti-social behaviour”. Tim Loughton was banging on about the respect agenda and the “asbo-wielding style of Labour” whilst this Coalition has just emerged from an unapologetic round of tough sentencing and their own brand of “asbo-wielding” justice after the August riots. What are you to make of this? More fertile ground for misunderstanding and misinformation, you may think. When you read of more difficulties and so-called “generational tensions”, remember the words of Mr Loughton and his avowed intention to move away from the “negative stories” about young people, the same ones who received some of the most extraordinary sentences for their involvement in looting whilst MPs walk free from prison after ripping the country off with bogus expense claims. Can a solution not be mediated? Can peace really not be made? At Peaceworks, our experience of conflict resolution in schools and our first hand (remember that Mr Loughton) FIRST HAND experience of young people striving to make the best of their lives without hope in a future for jobs, is very positive: Peace can and will be made – by the youngsters themselves. Not mouthing platitudes about negative stories and getting yourself some real experience of young people and the hopelessness they struggle with day to day, might give you some credibility when you next contemplate rising to your feet to say the first thing that comes into your head about young people at the Conservative Party Conference.

There are so often times when you might wish the times really were a-changin’.